


Froth and Bubble

by Real Life Inspires (Teddy_Feathers)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Courage, F/M, Fear, Friendship, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:49:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teddy_Feathers/pseuds/Real%20Life%20Inspires
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader is a person with social anxiety who (hopefully) will manage to grow as a person. 'You' will remain unnamed. So I guess its another reader insert. This is based on how I feel anxiety not necessarily how it really is. Basically a story about a person who is very afraid facing each day, making friends, and falling in love. About the difference between cowardliness and bravery. Also I share many of my favorite books because reading should bring people together more often. Hoping for a sweet fluffy romance with self made drama, if it looks like it'll get smutty I'll tag it later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Monster Lead Me Home.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5622205) by [keepingeyesclosed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepingeyesclosed/pseuds/keepingeyesclosed). 
  * Inspired by [The Smell of Old Books](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5751250) by [thelittleglaceon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittleglaceon/pseuds/thelittleglaceon). 



> My work was inspired by two other writers who are much better at this sort of thing than I am - so please go read their work. I can guarantee nothing I've written has been stolen from them, but I thought I'd mention them because they're the reason I felt okay doing this. So much thanks to them. 
> 
> “Life is mostly froth and bubble,  
> Two things stand like stone.  
> Kindness in another's trouble,  
> Courage in your own.”  
> ― Adam Lindsay Gordon

You’d always had a coward’s heart. Why fight things head on when you could slide around most things? Keep your head down, voice low, and most people would leave you be. Of course being a coward meant it never _felt_ like they did.

Walking around campus and feeling eyes crawling across your skin – judging you for what you wear, for your expression, for your hair. It didn't matter that you didn't know these people and probably never would. You felt vulnerable.

Which is why you had a routine. So you always knew where to go, and could get familiar with the habits of those around you. You tried to stick to that routine most days. It made you feel safe.

Not long after monsters first crawled out of the ground Starbucks had a new competitor, Miss Muffat’s Bakery. The brand said it was ‘made by spiders - of spiders’ but your mother always said try anything once. Most people thought the by-line was a joke, but from what little you remembered about spiders eating habits there was good chance for truth in advertising. Honestly you didn’t want to know. Those were some really tasty baked goods.

Regardless, there was a shop just off campus and every lunch it was packed, but your class got just out a bit earlier. So you always managed to get a seat. One that now half way through the semester was _your_ seat.

Today it was taken, which happened from time to time, but always left you feeling wrong footed. Off. You settled into a nearby seat, and couldn't help but sneak glances at the group that had your spot. Your warm spot by the window that had a plug for your computer.

It was petty to feel resentment over such small thing, but you knew the rest of your day was going to feel off and that it would all be because of this moment. You couldn't even try to use the plug because the table wasn’t taken by an approachable person on their own. Instead there was a small group crowded around it.

The focus of the group was on a monster, and they were obviously hanging off of every word he said. Which was understandable really. They were fascinating as a subject, but they were still people not zoo animals.

You resolutely pulled out a book and started reading. It was yet another space opera with strong, smart, and funny characters fighting against all the same things we already fought about, only on a larger scale with a more colorful backdrop. And if there was one thing you'd learned from reading such books – it was that curiosity was fine, but treating sentient creatures, even the fluffy adorable ones, like they were any different from anyone else was rude.

Which is why you never went out of your way to talk to any of them. Sure you wanted to poke and prod, and ask questions like the rest. But you couldn't be that outgoing or approach someone that rudely. Plus they were all so interesting. _Every single one._ Humans just weren't. Especially you.

Humans only really got interesting once you started to get to know them on a more personal level. And why would anyone want to do that with you? Even you thought you was boring. That's why you read.

A burst of laughter came from the table and you shot it a glance with a frown. It would be nice to pretend that they were all good friends, but being on the outside helped you judge things. They laughed because they thought he wanted them to, because they were excited to be there with him, and then _maybe_ because he was funny. It was in how surprised they sounded. How eagerly they egged him on.

Or maybe you were just being cynical and petty because you were trying to read.

That happened a lot when you were alone for too long. You either got too nostalgic about other people’s interactions or bitter about how much of it was a lie.

You went back to your book and finally got lost enough in it to ignore the noise around you for a while. Until someone say across from you.

You looked up sharply, knowing your expression wasn't friendly because even when the place got packed and strangers shared tables, you were never expecting it. Your heart was thudding in your chest and it stuttered to a halt when you saw it was the monster from before.

He looked like a skeleton, but just like in the stories you knew looks were deceiving. You mentally corrected your labeling to ‘skeleton shaped monster’. He was smiling at you, but there was no telling what he wanted. Glancing around you saw his group had left and the place had gone into rush hour mode.

You finally settled for wiggling your fingers at him and burying your face back in your book. Not that you could read it now. Part of you was already planning your escape and the rest was trying to tell you that you couldn't leave because, no matter how casually you did it, he'd obviously think it was because of him.

Which it was. But not because he was a monster. But because he was a person. A person sitting at your table watching you read. _Who did that?_

His low voice caught you off guard. It seemed like skeletons should have rattling voices or croaky ones. Not smooth river sort of ones. His gesture towards your books made you flush, you'd been staring, and not heard him asking about the book.

“ Uh well it's...” You trailed off and thought about how to explain it. It was probably out of politeness that he'd asked. He probably didn't care. But you loved this book series. And so either you got to be the one to introduce him to it, or he'd think you were weird and you could leave without it being... Well weird for completely different reasons.

So you practically dived into you bag, pulling out the first one and passing it over to him. "I'm on the sixth of the series. This is the first. It's about... Well it's about race and politics and space and what makes a person good or evil and broad things like that over all... And usually I hate stories like that but this author makes a point of showing how not clear cut choosing a side as good or evil is. And I even care about the politics even though that's usually boring it stressful to read, because it _matters_ to some of the characters in the opposite side. And you actually have to care about them for once instead of that being a skippable bit."

He looked at the cover which really didn't express the story any better than you were. "That makes it sound boring but it's about more than that really. That's just part of the framework I guess? It's mostly about a specific woman in the space British Empire's navy and how she grows as a person and as a leader? But it's also about all the people's lives that she affects and those lives that affect hers. It's complicated and so are all of the relationships in it."

You'd been rambling but you really loved the story and now that you'd started talking about books, you really couldn't help it. Sure _he_ didn't care. But you did, and for a moment you'd forgotten to be nervous. But unless you wanted to spoil the whole story for him, you had to stop talking.

Which lead to that awful silence.

Where he politely looked at the cover and then read the little excerpt in the front.

Then he'd hand it back and say ‘That's nice.’ it that tone that even though he was being polite about it, you really shouldn't have gushed at him like that because he didn't care and you _knew_ that.

You should have just left.

You wanted to leave.

But now you had to wait for that axe to fall and then go repeat this moment in your head the rest of the day.

"Huh" He said. "They're in space, and have ships, and shoot at each other and go places and get there in a reasonable about of time? How does that even work." Ah. Okay. So he wanted to make polite conversion instead.

Which was slightly better but worrisome in its own way. Because now he was going to explain how all of that didn't work even though the author had reasonably explained it on a level that you didn’t really follow but just kind of accepted.

But you loved that book. And felt the need to defend it. "I don't get all the science behind it, and while I guess on the surface it works basically because sci fi has already glossed over the ‘how’ of it all with ‘it just does go with it...’” You trailed off and decided you really couldn’t explain it. But… “The author actually explains how the ships are put together and how the engines and warfare is different in space... It's actually really detailed and as the series progresses so does the technology. And get explains the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ and ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ of that. Which is awesome. But science isn't my strong suit so I can't say it makes any reasonable sense if you know more that your entry level stuff. But. There's so much detail put into it, that I can't help but think that he did his homework and that he wouldn't have bothered to explain ‘how it's all possible’ if it didn't _add to_ instead of _take away_ from the suspension of disbelief."

Which didn't answer his question but... Your alarm went off. Saying it was time for your next class. It gave you a convenient out. Turning it off you packed up your things. "I'm sorry for talking your ear off. I got to go. Um. You can read it if you'd like?"

He may not care, but like every time you'd ever gotten to explain a book you liked, you really just wanted the other person to read it. It made you happy and you wanted to share that.

He looked startled "that's okay - you don't have to - i was just -" He stumbled over his words a bit and you felt that crushing fear that came with interacting with people again. Right. You'd forgotten.

**Nobody cared.**

But. He was still holding the book. And you could hope that even if you never saw this guy again he'd read it. Plus you really couldn't bear to take it back now that you'd all but begged him to read it. You felt so stupid. "Just keep it. Really. It's much better than I made it sound. And I need a new copy anyways." Because you couldn't look at that one without remembering this instance of complete humiliation. "Gotta go. Bye!"

You fled so he couldn't give it back. Fast walked out of the cafe and ran across campus like you were late.

Getting to class early and out of breath meant people looked at you strange on the way through, but the room was empty as you dropped into your seat. So you had a moment to collect yourself.

You pushed him out of your mind, picked up your book and dove back into it. Even as your eyes skimmed the page you couldn't help but try and work out what you could have said about this book better, or why you loved it, or how you should have **never opened your mouth** in the first place.


	2. Chapter 2

You doodled on your notes, paying little mind to the lectures. You hated feeling like this. The rest of the day you kept your head down even more so than usual. No need to let any other people watching think you wanted company by mistake. You made sure to radiate a ‘don't fuck with me vibe’.

Sure you hated the looks you got for it, but you really couldn't handle another person approaching you. You just wanted to leave. But there was class. And you only passed if you went. Sick days were saved for times when you sat shaking in the car, too messed up to actually walk across campus.

The next day was a day off of school and a day on at work. Retail. It was a familiar ritual. Smile with a perkiness you didn't feel, express sentiments you kinda wanted to mean, sell things you didn't think we're worth the price being charged.

Lately you hadn't been making the sales goals. The reason you were fired was some other inconsequential thing. But you knew the truth. You probably should have been upset, but for the moment you were free.

It didn't matter that you needed another job asap to replace the one you’d lost, didn't matter that it was bullshit that they'd made up an excuse to get rid of you, didn't matter that yesterday you'd made a fool of herself. Because it felt like you had escaped a dark and terrible fate. Like a kid playing hooky, you were giddy the rest if the day. Sure you'd have to freak out and then be responsible soon, but soon wasn’t now.

Or apparently tomorrow.

Because your good mood carried over. At lunch your table was empty so you claimed it with a happy hum, setting up the computer and sipping on your hot chocolate.

Even when the skeleton pulled up the chair across from you, it didn’t completely kill your mood. Your heart lurched but you felt like you could just apologize for being weird last time and not have a terrible rest of the day.

Maybe.

Before you could, he slid back over the book you’d left with him. "that was pretty good actually."

His words cut off the nose dive your heart was trying to take. "You... Finished it?" You couldn't help the hesitant hope pulling inside you. You liked it and now someone else had too.

He grinned and nodded. "yeah. couldn't put it down. Was wondering if – " Your happy fist pump cut him off.

You pulled your weighty bag onto your lap and yanked out the next two in that series. "Here! I can’t believe you finished so fast. What other types of things do you like to read?" You happily pulled out the first book of a fantasy series that involved magical horses that somehow wasn't as girly as that sounded, an older book that had a scientist masquerading as a wizard, and a detective novel about a vampire hunting necromancer. You slid the pile across the table eagerly.

He looked really surprised. "do you… have a library in that thing? "

All of you classes were on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So your bag was always packed... And all the extra space was dedicated to what you were reading at the moment plus a couple of books in case you were suddenly in the mood for something else.

You felt stupid again.

You just wanted people to read the things you liked. You shouldn't be so enthusiastic that he felt like he _had_ to humor her.

"Sorry." You started past the lump in your throat "I just -"

"hey, no skin off my nose." He paused for a moment "If you are okay with lending me them i'm not going to say no."

You felt your heart sore.

He made a joke, because obviously he didn’t have a nose. He also said he was okay with you thrusting books at him.

You gave him a considering look and pulled out another book. You hadn't before because the land of magical Florida seemed to hit pretty close to home when you thought about it. Magical people trapped under a barrier separating them from the rest of the world?

But... It was only a passing similarity. So you handed him the first of that series too. It'd been a favorite growing up.

Your backpack felt much lighter being set on the floor again. Go figure.

He was studying the pile with interest so you connected to wifi and tried to pretend you weren’t judging a complete stranger positively based on his taste in books. It was hard.

He picked up the magical Florida book and started reading it, and you tried not to stare. You kept sneaking pleased glances at him every time he let out an amused huff.

When it was time to go he was already pretty far through it, it wasn't very long or detailed after all. You realized you had never gotten his name. You didn't feel stupid about it for once though.

Monster, human, dancing bear, you didn't care about _you_ or _him_ in this instance. Just that this story was being shared with some who was appreciated it. You couldn't even say you felt like this was a bonding or friendship thing.

He had made your day brighter.

You’d been worried that piling books on him was rude. That you were bothering him. Because he had had friends the last time he was there. But _he_ had come bothered you. And read the book. So that was fine.

You hoped the stack lasted him through the weekend at least.

* * *

 

The next four days were a bit of a drag. You put in for other jobs online, but couldn't bring yourself to make follow up calls or go in to drop off a resume in person anywhere. You didn't leave the apartment except for the mandatory grocery run.

It should have been a pretty relaxing time, but _not_ going to work drove home the idea you didn't _have_ work anymore. That put you on edge as you tried not to stress about finding a job and failed.

You replaced empty space in your bag with the next ones in each series plus a handful of others for verity.

You tried to tell yourself you didn’t care what he thought.

You failed.

They hadn't even talked about the books yet but you were thrilled. It wasn’t that you wanted to buy his friendship. You knew his interest wouldn't _last_.

Because you were boring. Buried in other people’s words and ideas and not strong enough to express your own.

Which was okay.

Didn't need people.

You just needed people to understand and share in what you felt for books. Maybe not _with_ you per say, but it was nice to be someone’s gate way into your favorite stories.

You were like a junkie trying to be a dealer.

Tuesday you were excited to get to the cafe...

But your table was already taken.

The guy had his friends there again. Laughing. He looked up and waved, and there was a seat next to him… but you just waved back and found somewhere safer on the other side of the place.

Where you couldn't see them.

You didn't know those people. Didn't know him really other than his like of books. Which honestly didn't make him someone you’d get along with.

Part of you wanted to be brave. To drop off the next load, or at least ask the barista to do it on your way out. But that'd be weird.

Suddenly, even though it was just the usual crowed and not even packed yet, there were too many people.

You couldn't handle it.

This is why you didn't want to make friends. Either they didn't care about the things you did, or they wanted something out of you.

Time.

Energy.

Socialization.

You just. Couldn't do that. You felt your breath pick up.

**_Nope._ **

You were done. You hadn't unpacked anything so you grabbed your drink and bag, and turned to leave.

"hey." Of course he was behind you.

He wanted to be nice.

Talk.

Share.

Whatever.

He probably thought… All sorts of things. It didn’t _matter_ , you just really, really feelt stupid and needed to go. "you should come sit with us. we don't bite. "

"Hard or much?" Habit let the usual response slip out naturally. You had a weird since of humor when you were like this. You felt your cheeks blush and then pale. What was wrong with you?

He let out his huff of a laugh, like nothing was wrong, and maybe nothing was and it was just you **freaking** in your head. "nice. so join us?"

Your traitorous mind started chanting _‘one of us one of us,’_ but you managed to keep it behind you teeth. The very idea was scaring you and you could see the group looking over your way curiously.

You couldn't do it.

But he had bothered to come over and ask and you didn't want him to feel bad or obligated. "No. I. Can't. Um forget something important I have to do." That wasn't very convincing and he shot you a worried look.

"are you okay?" You knew you were probably either white or green.

You felt like you were going to be sick. But you forced a smile and tried to put on your retail perky voice. "Yeah. Just the mother-ship has landed and I've got to report in. Can't conquer the world without intel, you know? "

There. Weird enough to get him want to ditch you, silly enough he wouldn't think feel guilty about it.

He didn't look like he thought your comment was as dumb as it was. He huffed again "ah well. don't want to get on the bad side of our new evil overlords."

That he was playing along eased that awful feeling in your stomach a bit. "Exactly. So Um next time." You said it like you would ever comeback in there again.

You weren't sure you could, knowing people would be waiting for you.

You left.

Feeling glad it was over.

Feeling bad that he probably would think he did something wrong.

But then again he'd probably forget about you after you stopped showing up. That'd be for the best really.


	3. Chapter 3

No closer to getting a new job, and unable to just go into the cafe like normal, made the Thursday pretty tense. You sat in the atrium and stared out the window basking in the sun and trying very hard not to think about anything.

It was working but you knew as soon as you moved everything would come crashing down. So you didn't go to your next class. Today was just one of those days you needed to pretend everything was okay.

"don't you have class pal?" The voice made you jump because it was obviously addressed to you, even though you hadn't seen him walk over.

You checked your phone like you didn't know it was thirty minutes past the start of class and hadn't been anxiously counting them in your head.

"Um yeah. Duh. Must have zoned out or something. Oops." The lie slipped off your tongue easily despite how awkward if felt to be talking to someone you’d hoped never to run into again.

He plopped down in the seat next to yours and rummaged around in his bag and pulled out the books you'd lent him. "finished these. thought you might want them back."

The guilty part of your gut suddenly spiked as you realized there was still a bag full of things you had meant to lend him. You started pilling them up next to the stack he was making.

"you don't have to keep lending me these you know." You looked up at him with wide eyes.

"But I want to!" You blurted. And then realized maybe he didn't even like reading. He was just placating you because you kept handing him things.

Maybe he saw how desperate you were.

Or felt bad for you because you were always sitting alone in a crowded and over packed cafe. _Shit._ "I mean you don't have to read them, I just thought you might like them."

You didn't know what to do now. "like I said before, if you're going to keep handing them over I'll read them."

You grinned. Glad that there was that. You could handle that.

The old books started to make their way back into your bag.

"so what are you majoring in?" It was a casual, make nice sort of question.

You felt your shoulders tense. "Not science." You had so much baggage there. It was probably clear from your tone.

You knew you should offer up some explanation or _just answer the damn question_ but you really just didn't want to get into it "You?" Sloppy deflection, but you had actual interest in your voice.

He watched you, and you could almost see the gears turn in his head. Silently you begged him to drop it, somehow keeping your work smile on your face.

"also not science." Well. You didn't know what to make of that until he added, "couldn't handle the thought of going through four years of schooling for a bs degree."

That joke was old. Every college kid had probably heard it. You snorted anyways. You just hadn't expected it.

Despite knowing you weren’t funny, you couldn’t help but reply. “Yes. Much better to reign in hell with a BAD one.”

Stupid, but he huffed. Which made you feel pleased and much more at ease than you had for a while now.

"hey so I was thinking "

You interrupted again out of long standing family tradition "A dangerous pastime."

Without missing a beat he replied "I know." and his voice was deep enough that even though he wasn't singing the line it sounded right.

You failed trying to not get your hopes up that he had seen the kid’s movie and was intentionally playing along. If it was a fantasy, you would happily delude yourself.

"you missed out meeting everyone the other day, but you could come hang out with some of my friends tonight. we're going bowling." The offer seemed genuine. Uncoerced by feelings of obligation or pity.

You wanted to say yes.

You wanted to say no.

Saying no would be easier... But at the same time bowling was a great way to be social without actually having to be social.

Of course then again being _this_ social was hard enough...

But he was smiling at you and maybe you actually did want to be friends.

It could all end in tears and you could just go back to the plan of avoiding him… _Only harder._

"Okay. Yeah. That sounds fun." He gave you the details of when and where to meet.

* * *

 

You showed up at exactly the right time. Then sat in the car for a minute. And then a minute more. You couldn’t go in there. What had you been thinking?

But then you saw him step outside looking around and you jumped out of your seat before he saw. Because you didn't want him to know you were hiding in the car. He invited you. He was worried enough to come check outside for you. Obviously you just needed to stop worrying.

Despite the fact the parking lot wasn’t that big, you waved when he spotted you. He waved back. "Sorry. Running a bit late." An easy excusable lie.

He shrugged. "no prob. everyone else is still getting shoes and balls."

 _I don't have the balls for this_. Came the awful thought. You managed not to laugh but only just. You were so nervous that your mind was trying to lighten the mood. Dammit you needed to calm down before you started laughing or crying for no reason like a werido.

You both grabbed shoes and balls and went to sit with his group. Which was not the group from the cafe. Those were all human guys around your age. These were most definitely monsters.

There was another skeleton, tall enough to play basketball professionally. A well-muscled, blue scaled, red haired, bad ass of a woman that both made you feel inadequate as a girl in all sorts of ways and made wish you were interested in girls because she was so flipping pretty and you wanted to gush about it without it being _completely_ weird. Beside her was a frumpy looking yellow scaled woman.

She looked about as uncomfortable as you felt and you mentally made a note to huddle with her for safety in awkward numbers... Until her girlfriend leaned over and kissed her. Not going to get in the way of that. There was also a kid. They came up about waist high and you felt your shoulders ease some. You could always just listen to the kid talk.

Honestly kids were awesome to talk to as long as they liked you. This one looked old enough to have hobbies and interests of their own. So maybe this wouldn't be so bad?

The taller skeleton noticed your arrival first. "SANS! WHO IS YOUR FRIEND?”

At first you mentally freaked. You'd known this guy for two weeks or something and hadn't _once_ asked for his name.

But the part of your brain still trying to make everything a joke pointed out his name. And you snorted. You couldn't help it.

"Your name is sans?" He grinned over at you, probably thinking it was silly that you guys hadn't exchanged names yet, but that wasn't why you were laughing and now you couldn't stop.

At least until the Amazon came baring down on you with anger in one eye and an eye patch on the other. "Yeah it is. Got a problem with that? You think his name's funny PUNK?"

Her ears were actually fins and they were currently flared out as wide as they could go. Which probably was meant to make her look even more threatening. She didn't need the help.

_Shit shit shit._

_Shouldn't have left the house_.

_This was a bad idea._

_Why did you even bother trying?_

Since your brain couldn't relieve the tension through laughter, it tried to make you cry. But you couldn't let it because falling apart was for when you were alone and not about to be cussed out for being a horrible person.

_Which you were._

"Undyne maybe you should chill." His support didn’t really impact how terrible you felt.

"No! I want to hear what's so funny about my friend’s name."

Explaining it would make it sound even more stupid than it already was. But you had to do some damage control. You didn't mean to offend anybody. "There's this poem that I like. Called La Belle Dame Sans Merci. Which is French for ‘the beautiful woman without mercy’. But his name is Sans. So I just thought… That if he had a girlfriend. I'd have to call her Sans’ mercy."

It took a bit to get out around the lump in your throat. And it was so dumb. "I'm sorry I know it's stupid." You couldn't even look at him, even if the fish lady wasn't staring you down.

_Idiot! Fish-lady was a rude way of thinking of some one -_

She threw her head back and started laughing. Loudly. You flinched but she clapped you on the shoulder in a friendly manner. "You're alright nerd."

You managed a sickly smile and slipped out from under her hand. "Right. Sorry again. Um excuse me." You set down the shoes, ball, and your purse and practically fled to the bathroom.

_God._

You hadn't even gotten started yet and you already wanted to leave. You hated making a fool out of yourself.

You couldn't do this.

Your vision went blurry and you could feel your face turn hot. You couldn't cry. You **couldn't**.

Because then your face would be splotchy and they would know. You couldn't just slip away. That'd be an awful thing to do.

You ran some water into the sink and splashed some on your face. Using a paper towel you also cooled off the back of your neck. You felt better.

Calmer.

You still didn't want to go back out there though. And you couldn’t hide in here forever.

"you alright there bud?"

You jumped and swung around. Sans had walked in. He was in the girls’ room.

"This is the girls’ room." You didn't care how elementary it sounded, in America it was weird for the genders to go in the wrong bathroom.

_Shit._

He might not be a _he_. All you had to go off of was clothing and a deep voice and that was hardly any indication across species. You knew better than to assume like that you _read_ -

"yeah i know. just got worried we scared you off." Normally that would make you feel worse but he took a look around the room. "it's much cleaner in here but otherwise not that different."

Well there you go. He was a typical guy. Who was in the girls’ room. Blushing for no reason you could understand, you grabbed his sleeve and forcibly dragged him out the door.

As soon as you were on the other side you dropped his arm. It didn't look like anyone noticed. "You can't just go into the girls room if you're not a girl! People assume things!"

"well. You know what assuming does " Yes. And you had been thinking the same thing moments before but that wasn't the point.

This was stupid. "It gets the cops called on you and _weirdo_ written on your permanent record."

He hummed and started leading the way back to his table. "does it?"

But you weren’t focusing on stressing out over anything else. Which helped a lot. You threw up your hands in frustration. "I don't know. At the very least you'll get weird looks." He gave you one of his own and it took a minute to click.

You folded your arms defensively. "I forgot okay?"

Smug. He was definitely sounding smug. "that i was a skeleton?"

"That you were a jerk." Not that you knew him well enough to say that. Plus he'd been nothing but nice to you since you started piling books on him. But he did his little huffing laugh and you felt better.

Good enough not to cower through the introductions at least.


	4. Chapter 4

Undyne and Papyrus apparently had to be on the same team or they'd get kicked out of the alley. Again. They'd been _warned_.

They got ‘too competitive’. Alphys didn't want to be on the opposing side to her girlfriend. Which left you, Frisk, and Sans on a team.

The kid didn't speak, but they did text and were happy to blow up your phone with silly questions and comments. It helped keep you relaxed between your turns to bowl.

They mentioned they liked puzzles so you sent them a riddle. The sphinx riddle was the easiest in your mind because most kids learned it growing up as a silly story so knew the answer without really thinking about it.

Frisk stared at their phone in silent contemplation before replying with

*[can I ask for help?]

Now you felt guilty for assuming they'd get it right away. You nodded and everyone’s phone went off. They stopped bowling to check.

And then just stopped bowling.

You felt cruel and stupid. Of course monsters wouldn't have context for this.

They thought. Discussed. Didn't even look at you as they argued over what counted towards the answer or what a line meant.

You sank further into your seat. You couldn't even offer to tell them.

Sans was sitting next to you, not really contributing to the discussion. Alphys lost some of her nervousness as she vehemently defended her position that a certain anime character was a valid answer. It'd be a pretty cool discussion of you didn't feel like you started a fight between these really good friends.

His elbow nudged yours and he jerked his head towards Frisk. "think the kid's got it." Sure enough they were signing furiously and doing some sort of charades along with it.

At first you didn't get it, but when they started to hobble around like an old man you covered your sudden smile with your hand. You couldn't believe they just _figured_ it out.

Everyone mulled over it for a bit before turning to you.

_Shit. Now what?_

Sans explained. "kid says that the answer is a person. cause babies crawl in four legs, grow up to walk on two, and need a cane when they’re old which makes three. The time period of the day is about the time of your life."

You jumped up. "That's it exactly! You figured it out! That's just amazing!"

The kid started doing a victory dance and everyone else congratulated them on thier puzzle solving skills.

You looked at Sans, slightly awestruck. "They did it. I mean. I thought everyone had heard it before so they'd know the answer right away, but Frisk didn't and _still_ managed to figure it out. That's an insanely hard riddle!" Maybe more than slightly.

He shrugged easily. "kiddo’s pretty smart. Good at working things out. Which is nice seeing as their our ambassador. "

 _...what._ "What? " Your voice echoed your thoughts.

The human shaped monster kid the media was always talking about?

The one who somehow managed to cut a deal that allowed immigration of monsters as native citizens with rights already covered under the constitution?

That managed to make all those problems and idiots in the government play nice long enough to make things happen smoothly?

That went and held lectures with world leaders about monster kind?

"Frisks the..." and you had been talking about TV shows and playing little kid games over the phone.

You had their phone number.

Directly.

It was like being able to text the president. **You didn't just text the president.**

"ambassador yeah. Somehow they manage to juggle that, going to school, and still manage to take a break and hang with us little people." He paused to glance at the child in question, who was currently scaling mount Papyrus. "personally i think the kids abusing their time travel abilities."

That made you laugh, jutting you out of the worrying you'd been digging for yourself. "Or there are two of them."

He raised and eye brow at you, well really a socket but honestly you knew what the facial gesture meant and your mind translated accordingly. "how'd ya guess?"

His voice was dry and you decided to play along. "I'm psychic. I can tell these things."

The rest if the group was still talking admittedly, by this time having long forgotten about bowling. It was kind of nice actually. His grin became a smirk.

"so what's he thinking." He nodded towards the server. The guy had been there longer than you had and there was a new face behind the counter.

_Easy._

"Thank god I'm free." Not a minute later he finished handing out one last thing and then turned to leave. His tense smile relaxing into a more honest one as he clocked out.

You turned back your friend, sticking your nose in the air a bit. "Never doubt Madam Imma psychic." You said in your best, worst Russian accent. He huffed

"alright then. what am i thinking." It felt like a trick question. You had no idea, he always seemed to be smiling which probably meant he wasn't always happy. He wasn't bubbly enough to be the sort of person to be as okay as he seemed.

That was more like his brother of you were any judge. But that seemed way too personal a comment. So you tried to stick to being silly. It was rare you could do it without mentally beating yourself up for it.

Putting the back of your hand on your head dramatically you sigh. "My inner eye is cloudy. It says your head is too hard to see through."

You laughed at your own silliness, but he didn’t laugh with you.

Instead he shifted closer "let me give you a hint."

His voice was even lower than normal and his face seemed too close.

Way too close.

You jumped out of your seat.

The sudden movement drew everyone’s attention. Which was the opposite of what you wanted.

"I've got to get up early tomorrow for work. Sorry I forgot, but it's been nice meeting you all." They all made their polite protests and you knew you were over reacting but you couldn't help your racing heart.

Or the doubt that said it wasn't like they wanted you to stay. And Sans was just leaning in to say something silly no doubt and you had to go and ruin the joke. Why’d you always have to make everything weird? He _didn't_ think of you like that, but now he thought _you_ thought of him like that and –

Your phone buzzed and you checked Frisk’s text. They said you should totally hang with them some time and they could do some more riddles.

Well someone had had fun with you at least. It was hard to doubt kids. If you weren't a part of their authority they didn't see a need to lie to you. Frisk seemed like a good egg.

It was nice to end the night on that up note.

Because later in bed lying awake you went over every stupid thing you said, pulled apart every interaction and decided you should **never leave your apartment again**.

* * *

 

But you had to. There were bills to pay. And not having any reason to leave the house but school made you freak out more when it was time to go to class.

So after sleeping into ridiculously late o’clock, you checked Craigslist. Sure there were a lot of sleazy people on there [wanted one office bunny] but local jobs occasionally posted on there too.

A bar/ grill was hiring for a dishwasher. Which had the upsides of no people interactions and no training or experience necessary.

You put in for it and a couple of other things, laughing at the see-through scams and flagging the more convincing ones.

You were surprised when your email chimed and you had gotten a reply for an interview. Which was both awesome and terrifying. Putting on some happy music to boost your confidence, you got ready trying to remember everything you were supposed to do or say during these things.

You didn't want a repeat of that time you applied for a job.

First question “So tell me about yourself.” You had literally nothing to say. That had lasted five minutes before you had done the walk of shame. You didn’t leave the apartment for a week after that.

You shoved it to the back of your mind, printed your updates resume and practiced smiling until it didn't make you look sick.

You could do this.

You got there an hour early and lurked in the parking lot.

 _I can't do this_ you whispered to yourself. The words sat heavy on your mind. Five minutes till you headed for the door.

 _I should just leave_ chanted through your head. Stepping in and pausing for a moment to let your eyes adjust you listened to your heart pound out _shit shit shit_.

You paused too long. People were looking. The – well it looked like a pub without the Irish theme – was pretty packed since it was after 6 on a Friday night.

Everything in you said turn around and leave.

But most of the customers were monsters. They'd think you were one of those people that hated them. And you didn't want then to think that.

You were doing your finest impression of a deer trapped in the head lights. You couldn’t move.

A figure from behind the bar waved at you, and you obeyed the order instinctively. Unlocking your knees and power waking to him.

His name badge said Grillby which meant he was the guy who had posted the advert. You slid the resume across the counter; hating the fact your death grip had wrinkled the poor paper. "I'm here about the job? Interview? "

You were supposed to be more confident. You can't get a job without following the rules and here you were acting like you didn't even want to be here. Which you didn't. But you managed to get in the door so you might as well do this right.

Taking a deep breath you started talking. You didn't bother waiting for questions or input or direction because once you stopped you wouldn't be able to start again. You went over work history, education, why you no longer had a job, what your coworkers and supervisors would say if he wanted to call them, why you thought this would be a great opportunity, and what your availability was… Which could be summed up as anytime you weren't in school because you needed a job and being picky meant you weren't going to get one.

There was probably more you should say. But you ran out of words and the breath to say them.

He hadn't said anything. His face was a flaming ball of fire with a pair of glasses stuck to it so you had no clue what he was thinking. Finally he set down the glass he'd been polishing and gestured for you to follow him.

He pushed open the swing door and waved at the pile of dishes next to the industrial sized sinks.

Then he left. You were excited. But natural caution drove that down. This may be a trial run. You may not have the job.

So you rolled up your sleeves, put on the rubber apron and gloves and got to work.

It was soothing to just do and not think beyond what was keeping your hands busy. The pile was fairly large. He must have been really busy or had an unexpected shortage of workers.

 _Maybe this isn’t even a permanent job. Maybe it was just filling in for someone sick._ You pushed the nagging thoughts away and scrubbed harder.

They’d be spotless when you were done.

You heard the door swing open a couple of times but didn't think too much about it. If you were doing wrong you didn't want to see the look in... Well not his face but you knew how well disappointment conveyed through body language.

At some point the pile must have gotten smaller but for a while it didn’t seem to go anywhere. You weren't paying attention enough to see if it was self-perpetuating or if the boss had just been adding to it. But at some point it you managed to reach the last glass. When you took off the cleaning gear and turned around you saw the boss man standing behind you.

He didn't look impatient but you felt guilty all the same. "Sorry to keep you waiting." He shook his head at your apology and showed you a printed schedule with your name and hours that left you free entirely Tuesday through Thursday.

It was perfect.

"You mean I got the job? Yeah! Thank you." Again not what you were supposed to say after successfully selling yourself to a company. He didn't seem to mind.

He shook the paper at you and you took it, assuming it was your copy. "thank you!" You repeated. It felt so good to have done something _right_ for a change. "I'll see you tomorrow!" He waved as you practically fled for the door before you could make a bigger fool out of yourself.

It took a bit to calm down before you could drive. And it took a bit before you could go to sleep.

Something finally went right.


	5. Chapter 5

The next three days were a major confidence boost. You had a job you couldn't mess up, a boss that never yelled or hovered, and you felt great.

Until you remember that Tuesday there was a chance you’d run into _him_. Throughout your classes you were jittery. Took terrible notes and hardly listened. But you were there.

Routine be damned, during lunch you went to hide in the library at one of the study tables in the back. Nobody bugged you and you made it through the rest of your classes despite wallowing in guilt the entire time.

You wanted to confront him. Say you’re an idiot and apologize. But that would be stupid and you couldn't do that. You got a text from Frisk the next day but couldn't check to see what it said. You felt too stressed about it. Until right before bed.

It was just a silly riddle and it instantly made you feel better. Because the kid was just a kid. They didn't care if you made a fool out of yourself.

The riddle was one you’d heard before but it had stumped you back when you first heard it. So you sent off a text saying it had took you all day but you'd finally gotten the answer.

The reply was mostly emojis but also asking for another one. So you sent one off.

The simple exchange made it easier to go to sleep, get up, and go to class the next day.

He didn't have to be part of your life.

He probably was happier without you hanging around.

That brought you comfort.

 _If you happened to walk past pretend he didn't exist._ It was a thought that eased the hurt.

_Let people go before they let you go._

Easiest way to deal with embarrassment.

Of course when he sat at you table during lunch, ignoring him became ten times more impossible.

 _He just wants to return the books._ _Get this over with and then you never even have to remember he exists._

You knew it was a hollow promise. Your mind would taunt you with how you made a fool of yourself for years, but it gave you the strength to look up.

He had his usual grin. So yeah. That had to be a fake smile. _No way he's happy to be here._

"haven't heard from you." It wasn't an accusation just a statement, but your mind twisted it around into something ugly.

"Uh. Sorry never got your number." Or bothered to get his name. Or given him yours. You tried to tell your mind to shut up but it never worked before and it sure as hell wasn't listening now.

His grin got wider, and he pulled out a phone. "i've lost _my_ number, how about you give me yours?"

You laughed despite your instant blush. Because he wasn't flirting with you. Nobody used those lines seriously.

Still there was that pit of worry in your guy to placate. "Why?" That single word hid a multitude of questions. _Why are you doing this? Why won’t you leave? Why are you making me care._

You realized as soon as you asked how it must sound. Like you didn't want to give him your number or that you hated him or something… but he just slid it over to you with an easy shrug.

"need someone to text during the best parts of the story."

You snatched up the phone and put your contact information in. You couldn't help it. Your eyes locked on to his for once, instead of anywhere but. "Where are you?"

He seemed amused by your mental gear shift, but that was something to freak out about later. "which series?"

Serious as a heart attack you replied "All of them." And he burst out laughing. Like it was something he couldn't help. You flushed when you realized how stupid it was to be so intense over things that nobody cares about.

Trying to defend yourself you muttered. "I just know that feeling. You're reading and suddenly something happens and _nobody_ knows and you _can't_ explain it, or why it's so _important_ or _interesting_ or why you're so _invested_ and you just need someone to vent at."

You felt so passionate about this. You hoped he understood, that you hadn't misunderstood... Before you could start second guessing too much he took back his phone.

"yeah exactly. you dump all of these emotions in me and run. how can i handle that?" You wanted to say something witty back, but honestly there was that scary feeling he didn't mean the books.

 _Couldn't_ handle that.

So you dug through your bag and handed him another couple of books. Both about wizard detectives but done very differently.

"here let me just weigh you down some more. The second one will make you cry guaranteed." At least it had you. In this case fuck him if he didn't agree.

He passed back the first of the magical horse series. "it can't be worse than this." You knew exactly what scene he meant.

"My sweet summer child." You started, debating whether to add that to his reading list or to save it for when he pissed you off. " _That_ series gets happier, _this_ one," You said tapping on the cover of the second wizard detective novel, "just gets sadder with occasional moments of happiness to keep you from giving up."

"well then, I'll need more buffer books" He also passed back the magical Florida book. Those were basically brain candy so reading them went quickly.

"I'll bring the rest of the series next time." You stood to go, actually not dreading your afternoon classes. His hand grabbed your wrist gently to stop you.

“tomorrow?” He asked. You stared at his hand and then at his face. This felt weird.

You shook your head. “I’ve got work.”

"really?" He asked. Like somehow he knew you well enough to know you didn’t have work last time. Or that you kept trying to ditch him so you didn't have to deal with all the stress of caring about what he thought of you.

Your mind chopped in with the thought that you probably had your every thought written across your face and what kind of jerk makes someone chase after them to be their friend?

"Yeah" You said tugging away. It made you uncomfortable. Reminded you of how far you kept people so they didn't touch you, didn't want to, didn't need to. "Just got a new one. Just dish washing but I'm pretty excited about it."

He walked across campus with you. "you've got me beat." It was hard not to feel positive about this. He probably didn't have class or anything better to do.

"How's that." You asked trying to ignore how nice it was that he stuck around even though you were... Well _you_.

"you're not even outta school and you're already washed up. "

Laughing helped ease the feeling of dread. This would end. He would leave. Nobody really cares. But he was here now and that counted for a good day right?

"what? i'm serious! i need to clean up my act!"

You said the words without thinking. "ah. So you're a dirty boy. Explains why you kept getting your balls in the gutter the other night." Immediately you realized how dirty that sounded. And flirtatious. **_Shit_** you were just trying to be funny...

He laughed. "you've got me. i’m awful and need to be punished."

"Sorry. I'm not really punny." Which was true. Most things you found funny to say took context to get, and you were usually referencing someone else.

You both stopped outside of your class. "you're squeaking by just fine."

And somehow, you were.

The next day at work you got a text. Frisk finally answered the riddle and sent you one of their own. You didn't know the answer and you puzzled over it throughout your shift.

* * *

 

Your boss had yet to say a word to you, but you didn't take it personally. He didn't seem to talk to anyone. He didn't even sign like Frisk.

Grillby had ways of making things clear though. Like insisting on you taking those mandatory breaks and lunches the state required, no matter how busy it got. He'd come into the back and hover until you had to look at him.

 _You had to._ You couldn't just ignore him, you’d tried.

Between the guilt of making him wait even when he knew stopping interrupts the flow of work, and the feeling of someone without eyes staring holes in your back, you would turn around. Every single time. And let him sit you down at the bar and feed you fries and a bottle of water.

Maybe you shouldn't complain about a boss that cares about your well-being. But sitting with your back to a room full of people made your skin crawl.

Your Friday and Saturday night shifts were the worst because the place was always packed. You'd tried talking Grillby into letting you hang in the kitchen, but he took that privilege away when he found out you got antsy and started washing things again.

The room behind you exploded in cheers and you flinched missing the name of who they were greeting. You checked the clock on the wall. Still 15 more minutes of this slow torture.

"hey hot stuff." Said the patron, claiming the stool next to you and causing you to flinch again. You knew that voice.

It was indeed your skeleton friend. You stared at him shamelessly like you never had dared during your other interactions, as he flagged Grillby down. "the usual."

He finally noticed, or at least acknowledged your staring, and you kind of felt bad – he probably got that a lot.

It was just a shock to see him.

His grin and the white lights that served as pupils widened in surprise too.

 _Which meant he wasn't stalking you..._ Which hadn't been a worry until now that you had just thought it. _Stupid brain._

"what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" His smile slipped a bit. "don't you have work?"

You glared at the bartender as he returned with a bottle of ketchup and set it down next to Sans.

"When the boss lets me do it." The man of fire tapped his wrist and held up both his hands.

10 minutes.

As if.

You were fairly certain he added time when you started getting grumpy at him.

It was nice really that you finally felt comfortable enough to do so.

Sans huffed at you. "so eager to go back to being wet?" He was gesturing at you shirt - that one sleeve had fallen down your arm and gotten soaked while you scrubbed a stubborn pan - but you had spent too much time on the internet not to flush.

"No." You said, trying to bully your way past it. "Just makes the night go by faster."

He knew exactly what you were thinking. He obviously got some weird kick out of giving you shit. "man talk about a burn. telling a man time spent in his company is dull." On the outside it sounded like a nice, innocent comment. But his tone shifted to make it lewd.

_Nope. That's it. Done._

Face flaming you stood. "Dishes don't was themselves guys, and we're really busy. Bye." You didn't look at Grillby knowing your time wasn't up, and you certainly didn't look at Sans.

Guilt made you stare uselessly at the sink until your time was up and then you dove back into scrubbing.

Nice clean pans, nice clean mind.

It _shouldn’t_ embarrass you so much but you couldn't help it. He was obviously doing it on purpose to fluster you and really you didn't know how to handle it.

When the boss came back to stop you for your last break you dropped everything and went and stood in the corner leaning against the wall. He stared at you for a moment and you just _knew_ that if you moved and inch while he was gone he'd drag you out by force.

So you didn't move.

Wasn't much of a break but you didn't have to face your friend feeling stupid.

Your mind wandered and finally thought of the answer to the last riddle. Which was great and cheered you up immensely.

At least there was on social interaction you hadn't screwed up.

When you checked your phone there was a message from Sans. Saying he had gotten to a certain part in one if the series and everything had devolved into smut. You hadn't lent him the rest of that series _for that very reason,_ and he had apparently taken it upon himself to go find the rest.

He was now invested in a story-line that had gone from interesting plot, to some weird paranormal romance, and from there just fell apart into a **lot** of smut. He was blaming you and promised retribution. Maybe that was why he was harassing you tonight.

You replied with the book title that the story started making the random harem plot related again. The story got back on track from there. He'd forgive you. But this is seriously why you hadn't handed him anymore of that series. It felt weird to share smutty books with people. But the first 4-6 weren't like that at all and were really good.

You hadn't expected him to stick around this long.

Or actually read that much of what you'd lent him.

Or get impatient about your lending speed to acquire the books on his own.

You'd successfully hooked someone on your brand of literary crack. Which brought a smile to your face and eased your tension.

He liked the books. He hung around you. You had two new friends and a nice boss. Things looked pretty good.

Of course if your brain couldn't convince you that this was a terrible idea, the universe would just have to help out.


	6. Chapter 6

A text message from Sans. [so the kid’s birthday is this weekend.]

_Shit you didn't know!_

What could you possibly get them?

It was one thing to exchange brain teasers on the phone but really you’d only met them once and didn't even know what they liked.

And you had three days.

And work to consider.

[having a party. kid says you're invited and grillbz says you can have the night off if you want to go.]

 _And_ he'd talked to your boss. Who'd think you were inconsiderate for not asking in advanced or an idiot who didn't even know where your friends birthday was. _Both of which were true._

[i can pick you up around 11 if you want? it's an all-day thing.]

Oh. Hell.

Was he asking you to be nice or to mess with you some more? Honestly you were too worked up to try and gain insight from the black and white print.

[I have a new series to share with you.] You sent back to show you were there. He deserved it that series. Plus it was popular. So unless you were _really_ lucky he would already have an idea of what he was getting into when he opened it.

Which wasn't an answer.

You wanted to go.

You liked the kid. They were smart and fun to talk to.

But a kids party meant lots of people and kids you didn't know.

And probably hiding behind Sans.

Which would mean he'd realize you were a coward and get sick of you pretty quick.

And what if Frisk’s parents didn't like you?

Not knowing how to say any of this you simply asked. [What should I get them? A book seems pretty lame.]

The answer came pretty quick. [whatever. the kid will love it no matter what. i've been getting them socks every year and they just walk around barefoot until i get there.]

Well. That made you feel a bit better. But socks? _Really?_

[You don't even try to get something a bit neater?]

[Nah. Me and the kid have always had a messy relationship.]

[Ha Ha.] You typed thinking _so not funny_. [Come shopping with me and help me figure something out?]

It felt like imposing but surely you were close enough for this? It was for Frisk and he obviously liked Frisk.

[Sure when/where?]

* * *

 He was waiting for you outside the mall. You hated the mall. You stuck closer to the skeleton as if he could protect you from the judgmental looks of teenagers who obviously thought you didn't belong here.

You shouldn't be intimidated by someone who had a curfew but your brain didn't run on logic. It ran on your **misery**.

Sans didn't seem to notice as you fretted your way from store to store.

He did get tired rather fast of your speed increasing as you couldn't seem to find anything you thought was a right for Frisk.

He tugged you to a stop by grabbing your sleeve. "whoa. okay. let's just grab some lunch and think for a moment."

You didn't want to stop, you'd wasted so much times and had nothing to show for it. But your stomach rumbled at the thought of food so he must be hungry and _you were being weird and he had to put up with you._

You practically dragged him over to the food court and glared at him until he stopped making motions to pay. Sans was doing you a favor and buying terrible mall food didn't even begin to make it up to him.

The food helped settle you a bit. "What'd you like to play with as a kid?" You asked trying to gain some insight.

"Papyrus." He answered.

As fun as it was to imagine gift wrapping someone else's relation, you could still see Frisk climbing the skeleton like a jungle gym at the bowling alley. "They've already got one of him." You answered dryly.

He huffed at you which cheered you up a bit. But then he turned the question around on you. "Well what would you like for your birthday?"

You threw your hands up helplessly. "Books!" You were easy. That was the point. Other people were hard.

"well why can't you get the kid books?"

You groaned. That’d be too easy right? "Because you don't get people what you'd like, you get them what they would like."

"But don't you like sharing things you enjoy with the people you like?" Him and his stupid logic.

It felt selfish to do that.

But that's what your entire relationship with San's was based off of right? You being really passionate about one thing and him putting up with you over sharing about it.

Your head hit the table "Fine you win. I give up." you felt him pat your head.

"could get used to hearing you say that. "

You rolled your eyes and got up to toss your trash. "Don't. Won't happen again." You were trying to sound snooty but you were already looking forward to entering the only save haven in this place. The bookstore.

"is that a challenge?" he asked from behind you. And you _know_ you should say no but you liked how his silliness let you get away with a bit of your own.

"like you’re up to the challenge." Normally you wouldn't insult someone’s height but he was shorter than you by a smidge. As a short person who noticed, you _know_ he had to notice too.

"i'll make you eat those words short stack." Him ribbing you on your height was only fair, you'd started it after all. But irritation flashed through you all the same.

"bite me" He stepped closer and you reconsidered your words. He was always smiling, didn't have lips, so his teeth were pretty impressively prominent. But you’d never seen him open his mouth. Not even when eating.

Of course when he lowered his voice and said "I intend to." your brain shut down and it didn't matter that he couldn't as far as you know. You turned around and beat feet to the book store. His laughter followed you which wasn't reassuring.

It took a bit of time to find that perfect balance of one big gift and several small ones. And while you felt good about what you picked out you knew as soon as you got home you would dread Frisk hating it, but it was at least done.

You let Sans follow you home on his electric scooter so he knew where to pick you up from tomorrow and then got ready for work.

Where you spent more time apologizing to Grillby about the unexpected time off and went to your breaks meekly like a dog with a tale between your legs instead of your now usual playful whining.

You could tell he was agitated but you couldn't tell about what so you just kept apologizing. Until the bar was closed and you just finally offered to just come in instead because you felt that guilty.

At that point your boss lost his cool and snapped.

His bar towel.

Even though it wasn't anywhere near you, the sound made you flinch. When he pointed towards the door you got the message and left.

* * *

 

The banging on the door woke you. It was 10:30 and you had forgotten to set your alarm. You went to the door and opened it. Of course it was Sans.

“what'd you say to Grillbz? he made it pretty clear you're not allowed to work today. said that if he even _thought_ he saw you there you'd be off tomorrow as well."

You groaned and let him in, still not really awake. "I dunno. I was just worried. I mean I just started working there, and he never says anything to me, and I didn't give any sort of notice for coverage, and it's not like he can wash the dishes, and -" a yawn cut off the rant since your filter wasn't aware enough to tell you to shut up.

Looking at the clock again and realizing the time you started to rush around to get ready.

Sans watched from your couch as you did the flight of the bumblebee. "well strict orders. you're to have fun today. which is why i came over early to make sure you didn't try to slip away to work."

You paused, in setting down the things you'd need for the day on the table. "I wouldn’t have done that." He stared at you and you realized you might.

If you'd thought about it.

You'd have texted him so he wouldn't waste time coming by.

"Probably." You muttered, the first to look away. He huffed and you went to get dressed.

You were ready to go on time, which was a miracle in and of itself. Locking the door you were greeted with the bright green reminder that San's didn't have a car.

There was no way you were getting on that thing.

"I’ll drive." You said, but an arm around your waist stopped you. "no need, i know a shortcut."

You looked over at him ignoring how close he was to focus on how his pupils danced with mischief.

"they live that close?" You asked doubtfully. You felt him shrug which brought home the fact he hadn't let go of you as he led you down the sidewalk.

"kinda. i know my way around." Your face was starting to turn red, but you couldn't pull away without drawing attention to how weird this felt so you just stared at your feet.

Before you could go too far into sneaker contemplation he said, "see? here we are." Looking up you saw you were in fact there.

Balloons on the mailbox and everything, but the house looked too nice to be anywhere near your neighborhood. Maybe your sneakers were really that interesting?

He guided you inside, pushing open the door without bothering to knock. There was some music playing that sounded up beat and happy, streamers everywhere, and smiling children - human and monster alike - running around.

A large furry woman, that is to say she was covered in first and had a goat like appearance and in no way reflected in her personal life **_shut up brain_** , walked over to greet them as they came in the door followed by a bouncy and already sugar hyped frisk.

She took your wrapped gift from you to go sit on the present table after introducing herself as Frisk’s mom.

Frisk, for their part, frowned dramatically at Sans and signed something demandingly.

He let go of your waist to dig around in his coat.

_oh man how had you forgotten that he was holding you?_

_Shit who knows how many people saw you and just assumed the wrong thing_?

_and Toriel!_

You were introduced to Frisks mother while he was holding you!

 _You're such an_ idiot _._

Now you really were going to give him that book you kept threatening him with. He **deserved** to suffer for this.

Frisk repeated their gesture as it became obvious that he couldn't find what he was looking for. "keep your socks on kid."

Frisk rolled their eyes lifted a foot to wiggle bare toes at him.

"oh. you don't have any? well here ya go then. don't say i never got you anything." He tossed a ball of folded socks at them and they immediately sat down to put them on.

Their foot made a crinkling noise when sliding the second one on and they dug around until they found a slip of paper.

Whatever it said must have been pretty cool because they immediately jumped up to hug him and then ran off, one foot still bare.

"Socks huh?" You asked bemused by the whole tradition. Every family had them.

He shrugged "i know. scandalous. kids these days." You weren’t sure you wanted context as to why socks were scandalous.

It didn't take long for you to find a corner to sit in.

There were a lot of people and a lot of noise, which was fine as long as you didn't have to be in the middle of it. So you found yourself sitting out of the way, ginning like a fool on the couch as Undyne chased kids through the house and Papyrus tried to carry most of them to safety. There was a lot more going on in the other rooms, but you had found a safe place to watch the fun and not get in the way.

It was nice.

Seeing all these really good friends interact and know that underneath their smiles they actually did care about one another and not about anything superficial.

It also made you feel like an extra.

_An intruder._

You had met maybe a handful of these people once.

And what kind of adult goes to a kids birthday party that they're not super close to the family? They must think you're a creep.

You could feel the stress welling up in you. One minute you’re fine and the next you're worried and want to go home.

You shifted in your seat to get up and sneak out, but a solid form plopped itself down beside you and an arm draped itself around your shoulders. "nope. supposed to be having fun."

You weren't surprised.

You tried to shrug him off but he just used his arm to pull you back into your seat.

Finally you just gave up. "You win. Happy now?"

His grin grew wider. "getting there. you don't relax much do you pal?"

Stressing had worked its way into the uglier side of worrying, and you looked away from him to glare sullenly at the fireplace in the wall across from you.

You hated feeling trapped.

It was easy to blame him for your sour mood but really, even though he was keeping you there you knew it wasn't his fault. "can't shut off my brain enough to have fun." you muttered.

Which was the problem really.

You could get blindsided by a good moment, but you couldn't really enjoy anything without thinking of all the things that could be or were wrong.

You were always worried about something. You were a coward and you hated it.

"i can help with that." your grumpiness faded for the moment and you looked at him. "With what? " _Not being afraid of everything? Good luck with that._

He leaned closer. "shutting down your brain so you can have a good time." His voice was barely a rumble so it took a moment to process what he said, and then a moment more to figure out what he meant. In that time his arm about your shoulders pulled you closer to lean against him.

With a yelp you tried to pull away but the couch was plushy and your struggling just sank you deeper into it.

You gave up and you could feel his laugh with your face as his side shook a bit. "comfy?" He asked teasingly.

You were as stiff as a board and lying against a cushy person despite _knowing_ he was a skeleton shaped monster and there should be no plushness to him under that blue hoodie.

You focused on that instead of how very not comfy you were.

"here let me help." Before you could say he could help by _letting you up_ you felt part of his arm lift, and his hand start to stroke carefully through your hair.

It felt...

Odd.

You didn't let people touch you much, so it always was a surprise when it happened. But even though you felt like an idiot for the first couple of minutes you let him keep doing it.

After a bit you stopped biting back the words that _you weren't a cat, you weren't going to purr_.

A couple of more minutes went by and you shifted and his hand stilled like he was going to let you up. But somehow you knew you had trusted him to stop if you had asked him to. So you just tucked your legs up onto the couch and got into a more comfortable position leaning against him.

Your brain made a token protest but quieted as his hand went back to shifting soothingly over your head.

A little bit later you muttered, "Fine I give up. You win." Because as long as he kept doing that you weren't going anywhere.

You felt his laugh again. "now i'm happy. "


	7. Chapter 7

At some point his hand stilled and you felt his breathing even out underneath you. As tempting as it was to join him, your mind was starting to wake up again and point out how this looked.

And the fact you hadn't hung out with the kid even though it was their party.

So you got up and stretched and went to find Frisk.

Who wanted to play hide and go seek.

With you - the adult - as it. Kids were easily pleased.

You counted to 100 loudly, making up numbers between 98 and 99 to listen to the giggles and let the stragglers get settled. Then you yelled “Here I come ready or not” and started over exaggeratedly looking in all the wrong places. Until suddenly you'd reach out and grab one of the hiding children and tickle them until they squealed.

You didn't know where the adults were and at that moment didn't care.

You had the ‘found’ kids help you find the still hidden ones by loudly asking then where they thought someone was hiding. When they pointed to an obvious spot you’d laugh and say something like, "No. Nobody could possibly be behind the curtain. They must be under this rug!"

They'd all groan and then yell because the smart kids would change hiding places after being outed without being found. And then you'd check where they'd suggested and exclaim you _knew_ nobody was hiding there.

You hadn't caught sight of Frisk yet. They were probably moving behind the group into each room as it was cleared because there was always _one_ kid who did that.

But eventually you had found everyone else and a couple of gestures from their mom indicated that you needed to herd the childern into the kitchen but not be too obvious about it.

"All ye, all ye, all's in free!" You yelled, because you'd read that that was the original saying not ‘Olly Olly oxen free’ that you'd grown up with.

Nobody came but some of the kids giggled.

You looked at them but some of them looked as confused as you did as to why Frisk hadn't come out.

"Hey! Frisk! You won! So come join the rest of us!" You moved a bit but still no answer.

Oh.

 **Shit**.

You lost the birthday kid.

You lost _an ambassador._

How had you thought this was a good idea?

With desperation you yelled "Guess we'll just have to eat this cake all by our sleves!” Hands covered your eyes and you jumped and squeaked and everyone finally let out the laughter they'd been holding in.

The kid had been hiding behind you the entire time.

You had no idea how they did it.

Sans, now done with his nap, shuffled over to help you up. You were laughing too hard to do so without a hand up. He led you over to the kitchen with the rest, where all the adults were huddled in the dark with a candle covered birthday cake.

Everyone sang the song and then there was cake passed around along with party favors so the other kids didn't feel too left out when frisk started opening their gifts.

To your surprise you were handed a favor bag too, and you dug around with some interest. Inside there were a couple of handmade bookmarks, a candy necklace, and a handful of windup toys.

You laughed and wound one up and set it on the table to see it do its thing. "Look it's me." You grinned to yourself.

Maybe it should have sounded self-depreciating, but you were in a good mood so watching it just made you laugh.

“that’s some sweet swag ya got there babycakes.” The voice was San's, as was the hand trying to sneak its way around your shoulders.

You shoved him back with a grin and then burst out laughing to see the skeleton wearing slotted shades and a plastic beaded necklace with a medallion that said YOLO on it.

Playing along you put your hands on your hips and did your - sadly practiced - valley girl voice. “Like oh my god! What is your major malfunction? The 90s are like totally over. Get a clue."

He laughed which quelled any desire to berate yourself over opening your mouth.

"you’re all that, and a bag of potato chips." Him looking over his fake glasses - or maybe they just slipped since he had no nose to hold them up - made your heart skip a beat.

You were having fun.

With friends.

It was just.

Nice.

That feeling carried you through watching Frisk slowly making their way through their presents. Toriel making them read the cards, and San's whispering the translations of their signing in your ear. Undyne yelling that Frisk should just demolish the paper to get to the gift and laughing when the punk started taking time to fold the paper afterwards instead just to drag things out. Papyrus, face covered in stickers, clapping happily over all the gifts and eye sockets filled with white and orange sparkles in his excitement. It got you through the kids climbing over you to escape the dreaded return of their parents and got you through the after party clean up you insisted on helping with.

It got you through the walk home that still didn't feel as long as it should have taken, with Sans’ arm firmly lodged around your waist until the moment your hand touched the door knob. It got you through the awkward goodnight, the exhaustion as you washed up before bed, and carried you all the way into work the next day.

* * *

 

Where the first thing you did when you walked in the door was hug your boss. He had his hands full, and it was weird because neither one of you were expecting the impulsive move but you refused to feel bad about it.

Refused.

When he set down what he was holding and hesitantly opened his arms you flushed and shook your head.

Nope you were done.

Bravery for the day spent.

Instead you edged towards the kitchen. "Just wanted to thank you for the day off. It was great. Thank you. Better get to work."

Okay you felt a little stupid about it.

But you didn't regret it.

You had friends.

People who were nice to you because they liked you for some unfathomable reason, and you were going to enjoy it as long as you're brain let it lasted.

Your heart was still afraid but today was a good day, so its hold over you was weak.

At least until your lunchbreak.

When you followed Grillby out with your usual complaints about how everything piled up when you left, you halted mid-step, mid-word, and ducked back into the kitchen.

Sans was out there. Which was _normal_. He was a _regular_.

So why had your heart lurched?

**Why were you so terribly afraid to go out and talk to him?**

He was a friend. He had stuck around this long. Yesterday you hadn't messed up too badly. You trusted him.

...right?

So why were you shaking on the inside at the thought of seeing him?

Your boss opened the door to give you that look. He had no face but you knew he thought you were messing around. He tapped his foot and your heart started thudding louder.

You didn't want to go out there. Not like this. But you didn't want to upset him either.

You tried to shoot him a weak smile, but looked away because you couldn't face him.

Or anyone. "Just need a minute. Please."

You didn't like how strained your voice got.

The door swung closed and you immediately crouched into a ball with your hand clutching your chest. It felt hard to breathe. _What the **fuck** was the matter with you?_

Everything was good. _Why were you doing this?_

A warm hand gripped your shoulder and you flinched away from it and shot back to your feet.

You had thought he'd left.

**_Shit shit shit._ **

You took a deep breath and tried to suck the waves of panic back in where he couldn't see it.

"I'm fine." You said forcefully. "I'm fine." The second time sounded worse. Tears blurred your boss into a haze of orangey red. "I'm fine." Your voice cracked and your hands were gripping your arms as tightly as they could.

You _weren't_ fine. You were **never** fine.

You were _awful_ and your boss had to waste time worrying about you, and everyone out there would know something was wrong when _nothing_ was, you were just crying over literally **nothing**.

Worse than that.

You were crying because you were happy and apparently your brain didn't think that was allowed.

Someone was trying to pull your hands off your arms and you backed away into the wall and slid down it.

It was bad enough that you had to have someone watching you fall apart. You couldn't handle having anyone touch you.

Hands were running through your hair.

That was okay.

That didn't feel awful or scary.

Didn't make things worse.

Eventually the emotions petered out until you felt only mildly guilty, slightly embarrassed, and exhausted.

You took a deep breath and then another which seemed to clear the bad air in your brain.

You wiped your face on your sleeve, not even a little worried about how gross that was. You already felt gross on the inside. Who cared if you matched on the outside?

It was Sans.

Watching you with concern, petting your head like you were a cat.

Or worse - a child.

The thought lacked the venom it should have had behind it. But that would happen later.

It was too much to feel right now.

"let me take you home." You let him help you back to your feet but then pushed him away.

There was no effort in the shove, but he took a step back giving you your space.

You saw Grillby, your _boss_ , hovering nearby.

They were both treating you like you’d shatter at any moment.

And even though you basically had just a moment before you resented them for it.

Home.

You wanted to go home. Be alone. Drown out that this moment, that your entire existence had ever happened.

But you weren’t a kid.

You were an adult.

With responsibilities.

You shook your head and resolutely shuffled over to the sink. "Think my brakes over boss." They didn't respond though both made abortive movements.

Like they wanted to stop you but weren't sure how without making things worse.

You shot them a grin before shrugging on your apron and gloves. You in no way felt it but couldn't stop the silly sounding words from spilling out of your mouth.

"Just a glitch in the machine. Your regularly scheduled worker drone functions should resume momentarily, please forgive the delay. And remember big brother is watching."

You wanted to be okay.

So you pretended.

Pretended hard and silently begged them to let you as you scrubbed the nearest pan. Finally the door swung once.

"just ah... let us know if there's anything we can do. we'll be right out here. okay?"

_god sans._

Trying so hard to be polite.

But he'd seen you for the mess, the coward, you really were now.

"Affirmative" You said keeping your sickly perky tone. You waited until he left to stop smiling, stop scrubbing. To catalog how you felt.

Terrible, wanted the earth to swallow you whole, and tried seemed to be the top contenders. But regret won by a landslide.

You didn't want to be here anymore.

Picking up the next glass felt like the hardest thing you’d ever done. It felt like forever, but your focus probably cut the time cleaning normally took you. You looked at the kitchen door. You knew your friends were on the other side worried and waiting for answers you didn't have.

You'd done enough for one day.

You'd stayed and worked even though you could barely stand it.

You slunk quietly out the back door. Guilt crawled down your spine but you made it to your car.

Somehow you made it home in one piece. You honestly couldn't remember the drive back but you didn't hit anyone and you were in bed. Somehow the missing time felt important. You kept getting up to check the door even though you just checked the lock.

You felt like you were shaking but your hands looked steady. You wanted to sleep but your mind wouldn't stop going over everything making it worse somehow.

You now we're back to zero friends you were sure.

And out another job.

_Which was good._

Probably.

They never wanted to see you again.

You'd be doing them a favor of you disappeared properly.

So you did.

You stayed home that day and the next. Skipping classes. Ignoring your phone. You were fine if you didn't think too much.


	8. Chapter 8

Why did you have these feelings? Why couldn’t you make them stop? You knew they weren’t reasonable. Normal people didn’t stay up all night blasting music, refusing to sleep and trying desperately not to see demons in the corner of their eyes.

When they laughed with friends there wasn’t a running commentary on how stupid you must look and sound and how they’d all be happier if you weren’t there – or worse the idea that they were laughing at you. That the joke was always on you and you were just too stupid to notice.

But people _were_ nice. Sometimes. At least the ones you hung out with were when you could engage in social activity. So thinking awful things about them just made you feel guilty. They didn’t deserve that. They didn’t deserve you.

Everyone had their own problems – they didn’t need your drama, your falling apart over nothing, your inability to be happy for ten minutes without shattering inside. They didn’t deserve the fear, the secret judgement in your mind, or to be stuck taking care of you. Nobody was responsible for your mental state but you. They shouldn’t have to deal with it. That was something you had to do.

Thursday you decided you had to go to class because finally the fear of failing that, on top of everything else, was worse than the thought of having to stare through Sans as he walked past you. And even though you didn't want to, you'd go back to work Friday so the boss could fire you properly. That way it was a clean break.

It wasn’t hard to go back to school that day. You’d already spent all of your worry the night before. You were tired, drained, empty. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed, not even you. It was going to be one of those days.

You tried to lose yourself in the book you’d picked to reflect your mood. A girl who didn’t believe she existed unless she could capture her image, her impact on the world through a mirror or the next letter appearing on a page. Too bad it wasn’t that easy. To stop existing just stop looking for yourself, stop pressing down on the keyboard. Just…Stop.

Yeah. It was going to be a day.

Like a dream or a haze, school passed. Sure you were there, but was anything there around you? Didn’t feel like it. Everything seemed distant. But… At least if it was distant it couldn’t hurt you, and you couldn’t hurt it.

When the last class ended, it didn’t feel like freedom. It felt like being cast out of reality. What to do now? Going home and going to bed seemed like too much effort, in the same way that getting up and going to classes had felt like too much work. Only the weight of expectation kept you going… and now suddenly there was no expectation.

You sat in your car and stared unseeing across campus, time had no meaning and didn’t seem to actually exist – there was just you and the endless moment.

A sharp knock rattled you back into the drab world. A blue hooded skeleton was smiling at you. Strange. Hadn’t you been at school? Oh. Right. Monsters. Somehow you’d forgotten. Maybe because you’d tried so hard the past couple of days to forget. Maybe you’d done too good a job. You felt lost. Maybe you’d lost pieces of yourself when you’d shattered the other night.

Sans’ smile grew more fixed, even less real then it seemed before. Right. He’d knocked. What did he want? To leave probably, and you were keeping him. The worry was vague and distant, but still there. With concentrated effort you took a deep breath.

With the air was pulled in all of the emotions and lack thereof you’d been letting pool inside the car with you. Back into that secret box inside of you. Kept damned back behind an awkward smile. No needed to spill anymore on the guy. He’d seen enough.

You opened the door and stepped out of the car. “Sorry. Zoned out.” Your voice didn’t sound right. A cross between defensive and falsely cheerful. Why did he have to do this? Why did people feel the need to tie things up in pretty words, to say goodbye, to ask questions? Why didn’t he just leave you alone and make you both happy.

A twinge in your heart told you that this _wouldn’t_ make you happy. Ignoring it with the ease of long practice, you waited. You had nothing to say to him. He was the one forcing this interaction. He could say his bit and go.

_Just go._

"no problem" He rubbed the back if his neck and wouldn't look at you.

Here it came.

Polite axe falling at last.

Goodbye forever.

He held out a plastic bag. Oh. Right. The books you lent him.

"finished these." That hurt. A lot. Sharp and unexpected, the most real thing you’d felt all day.

He didn't care. He hadn't read them. But he was pretending he had, for a clean cut. So he didn't have anything of yours and you wouldn't ever come looking for him.

Hurt brought back the anger. Suddenly the world didn’t seem so grey and faded.

"You didn't." You muttered. You should just let it go, let him go.

But damn it you didn't want to.

You could lose a hundred books of it meant you got to keep him.

 _Caring._ That was the problem. But it was back with the rest.

You had never felt so happy before you had ruined it all. You liked having friends and having people care.

Awash with emotion like it had never lest, anxiety welled up and along with it came sorrow. You were a mess. Fine. He could abandon you. That was for the best, but…

Damn it he didn't have to care about you but he had to care about the stories! The stories didn't belong to you. They were bigger and greater than you would ever be and they deserved to be cherished.

"Keep them." It was a demand.

His eyes dimmed. "really did finish them."

No he hadn't. You needed him to take them.

You'd never be able to look at them the same, never be able to let go if he didn't take them with him.

So that you made at least one positive impact on his life.

"Just keep them please." There was an edge of desperation in your tone and you hated it, hated yourself, but you said the words. He looked upset, but maybe that was just because you were making this difficult. He shrugged and put the sack back in his book bag.

Relief made its way inside the turmoil in your gut. There. He kept them. It was swept away when his eyes met yours again.

“Walk with me?” He asked. That’s right. You still weren’t over the worst hurdle. The talk. But you owed him this. Nodding, you feel in step with him. The campus wasn’t huge, but sidewalks crisscrossed the green between the buildings.

At first your stomach was clenched, shoulders tight with the desire to hunch and cower beside him. But you kept walking and so did he. Saying nothing. You kept dreading that moment where he would speak. To ask questions you couldn’t answer, because nothing was wrong – nothing had happened – so you shouldn’t be like this. The silence was like a pendulum and you were waiting for the first slice. At first.

As you walked you kept shooting glances at him. Sans in contrast to your tenseness, seemed to amble along like nothing could touch him. He was still smiling, casually had his hands in his pockets. Just walking with you like it wasn’t a big deal.

Maybe it wasn’t.

It took a lap around the quad, for him to lead you back past your car and down the sidewalk again, before you felt yourself begin to relax. The stress to ease. It was kind of relaxing and hypnotic.

Nice.

This was nice.

Tentatively, afraid to break this limbo you existed in, you ventured a question. “Why are you wearing pink bunny slippers?”

It wasn’t personal and felt safe to ask. Every other time you’d seen him, he’d been wearing hi top sneakers.

He gave you a lazy shrug. “some days i just can’t carrot all. so i hop into these old things. they’ve got heeling powers. wearing them just tickles me pink.”

So many puns. They surprised a giggle out of you, and he winked in response.

Three trips around the quad you’d made and nothing bad had happened. None of your fears had come true, and just being here with Sans gave you a warm feeling inside.

Maybe this was okay.

“Do…You want to stop by Miss Muffet’s?” You were feeling better. Healthy, like the way you’d feel after a fever breaking. This was a risk, could back fire in so many ways, but even as your mind was going over all of the horrible scenarios…

Sans turned and his smile was wide and real. “yeah. sounds good. it’d really bake my day.”

Flushing you led the way. He was still here. Still your friend. After everything. It really made your day too.


	9. Chapter 9

The grass had been mowed recently. It was short and worn thin where the two of you were walking. So many people had walked this way to save time getting to their destination. It was rude and killed the grass.  But you did it anyways without thinking of the damage it might cause. Because it was easier. 

You felt shaky, odd. The fever comparison wasn’t a bad one; for all that you felt better, you also felt weak. Sickly. Everything about the last couple of days seemed vague uncertain.

 

Sitting down and drinking something warm was nice. No small talk.

Just peaceful contemplation.

You wondered if Sans was telling the truth about the bunny slippers, if bad day comfort clothes helped, or if he was just wearing them as a set up to more jokes.

You were still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to confront or push you on the mess you were, or worse to say something kind...

But he didn’t.

 

Being silent was easier. Staring your drink with rapt fascination was easier. 

Sans shifted and your heart lurched. He didn't leave though and that was hard. At this moment in time you were sure you could out wait him. Part of you wanted to treat it as a game. Just wait long enough until he finally got fed up and left. 

Winner gets the Grand Prize of being alone when you wanted anything but that.

Even though it would be so much easier prolonging this moment until he finally dropped you… It wasn’t worth it. Hard or not you had to do something to repair the rift you’d caused.

 

In a very small voice you said, "I'm sorry."

You were. For freaking out, and then vanishing, for daring to think you could hold down friends without destroying everything, and for ever even bothering to talk to him… Honestly at this point if you could take back being alive you would. 

**You were the scum of the earth.**

 

“hey…” His tone was that soft, gentle, _careful_ tone and you sat back in your chair as if you could physically escape it. Unnoticing or just unacknowledging the movement, Sans continued in that same too nice tone. “did you forget to return your library books?”

The question was so unexpected you actually met his eyes. His face had that smug grin on it, and the pinpricks were dancing with mischief. It didn’t match his tone at all and at your baffled expression he let out a snort.

“’cause you got fine written all over you.” Suddenly his voice didn’t sound consoling. It was as smooth and practiced as butter. He even winked.

_Really?_ He started chuckling and you broke and started laughing. It was just too ridiculous not to.

 

Friends.

He was your friend and apparently that was okay. _Fine_ _._ Even when you weren’t.

No pressure.

It was nice.

* * *

And then it shattered.

A pack of boys descended like hungry wolves, practically speaking over one another in their excitement to greet their friend.

Friend? Or personal entertainment monster?

Maybe you were just jealous.

Sans really did seem to perk up talking to the group, trading jokes with them. They introduced themselves to you - terrifying really - and in five minutes you wouldn’t know any of their names. They were nice enough, respected your attempts to slip out of the conversation and when you managed to physically slip away didn’t make a big deal about it.

Of course they probably didn’t notice. Which was good.

 

Good.

 

It took the rest of the day to stop going over it in your head.

The cynical side of you telling you they were just excited to be friends with a monster willing to do tricks on command.

The sappy side just pleased about how happier he looked, comfortable; surely an outgoing guy like him can tell who’s being honest with him.

It would have been nice to stay. To get to know people. But you were a little ball of awkward, frightened of their attention.

You could see it in your mind if you did muster up the courage to sit with the whole group every day what a disaster that’d be.

How they’d make efforts to include you, but you’d say the wrong thing or nothing at all until they stopped trying. How you’d pull out your book, not because you were ignoring them or antisocial exactly, but because you needed your space and didn’t mean to exclude people from it but being with a lot of people at once was a bit much without feeling left out or having way too much focus on you.

You worried and stressed over your brief interactions with all of Sans' friends and could just imagine the picture it painted of you.

**A distant jealous bitch.**

 

Add that to your break down at work...

God why did he even bother try to hang out with you? It was obvious you weren’t worth the effort.

Your stomach knotted up and you fisted a hand in your hair.

Your job.

What were you going to do?

You fell apart, then didn’t call in and didn’t show up

You were the worst employee

_Obviously unreliable._

 

Picturing Grilby just staring at you when you came in - what could you even say?

But it was the right thing to do. To go back. Let him fire you properly.

That's how you were supposed to do things.  Now just stop showing up.  And while it hadn't hurt the corporations you'd worked for you knew it’d be harder for Grilby to let you go no matter how much he wanted you gone. He'd probably was looking for a replacement right now. You might have to stick around for a couple of days.

Poor boss. Stuck with someone so unreliable or having to do without. It was so unfair he had to run that place all on his own and if he didn't do a good job people said it was because he was a monster not because he was understaffed. 

_This was all your fault._ You had to go back, never mind your desperate desire to just keep hiding from the world.

* * *

 

Going to work the next day was a Herculean feat. Getting ready, leaving the house with enough time to get there, and the nearly impossible act of leaving your car…

 

Then facing the door.

It was a nice door, hard wood, gleaming because someone kept it cleaned oiled and sealed properly, with decorative edging.

 

Five minutes until work was supposed to start.

You contemplated standing there until someone noticed and got the boss. Would it be better to have him throw you out if you never entered? He could just shake his head and you’d turn around and go.

You wanted to leave. It’d be so easy to leave, might be hard to find another job, but less scary than having to face this.

But you owed it to him to face this. Grilby deserved better than this. You took a deep breath and entered the bar.

You didn’t hesitate, just walked in like you belonged and the patrons took no notice of you.

 

Grilby did.

 

He stopped polishing his glass and stared at you a moment before walking around the bar.

Your footsteps slowed but you kept walking, torn between wanting to look away and staring at him like some frightened animal.

You stopped in front of him, and he looked you up and down.

He opened his arms and took a cautious step forward before hesitating.

 

Asking permission.

 

You hadn’t realized he’d noticed. You don’t like to be touched. It wasn’t that big of a deal but...he noticed. And he was asking permission to hug you.

You nodded carefully, blinking back tears. You weren’t going to cry, it was such a little thing, but he’d noticed and that was _so nice_.

He folded his arms around you gently. A warm tight hug that you stood there awkwardly inside of before returning. He pulled away and just looked down at you and you somehow knew you were alright.

Which was good. _Actually_ good.

Giving him a nervous smile you beat feat back to the kitchen.

It was nice.

Nice to have friends who cared and wouldn’t push.

 

But it was a safer feeling to contemplate while elbow deep in hot soapy water

Taking catalog of your feelings you noticed an almost rose tinted bubbly edge to them. You were embarrassed but not ashamed, nervous but not afraid and... You were happy.

Happy about this silent support and acceptance.

Maybe it didn’t have to be a big deal.

Maybe nothing did.

People missed work all the time, people had their bad days.

And while your mind whispered contrary to the idea - Friends weren't always looking for an excuse to leave. They wouldn’t always see you as a burden.

...even if you believed yourself to be one.

 

On your break you checked your phone. It didn’t - as you’d feared – explode with notifications upon being turned on. There were just a couple of messages.

 

One from Sans [if you needed someone to talk to, i'll lend you the ears don't have and the scapula i do.]

One from Grilby [ I understand if you need some time off. Please do not return until such time as you feel ready or I'll see you right back out the door.]

And finally one from Frisk, asking if you wanted to go on a picnic to celebrate the start of summer next month.

 

People cared. About you. They wanted you around.

It was **scary.**

It was heartening.

It made you want to leave.

It made you want to be **brave.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really really slow. Sorry.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and kudos-ing and leaving such nice comments. Means A lot. Special thanks to bluekittyears and mossy cause they were aggressively nice at me until I wrote this chapter.

A picnic was kind of an interesting thing if you thought about it. There was a whole idea about them that everyone shared. A grassy hill, a checkered blanket, a wicker basket, some homemade food, and good company.

Frisk shouldn’t have invited you.

This was obviously a family thing, you’d be imposing you didn’t _belong_ there with them you – … You took a deep breath and let it out.

_No._

Today was going to be a good day. You would go, have a good time, and then go to work. 

There was no reason to be nervous, you told yourself. Mrs. Dreemurr had also said you could come. As you packed you felt your spirt pick up. Yeah. She’d texted you on Frisk’s phone to tell you that you only needed to bring yourself, she had everything well in hand.

…Which is why you _only_ had made party mix. Almost everyone liked the baked Chex cereal, pretzel, and nuts mix.  You couldn’t bring nothing at all, after all. Showing up empty handed would make you feel like a mooch or something.

Checking your phone again for the hundredth time that morning, you were starting to feel a bit better. Frisk had invited you and Toriel had seconded that. She didn’t seem to mind or think it was weird you enjoyed talking to her child at all.

Positive reinforcement seemed to be working. You’d just refuse to feel bad today. It was a picnic on a hill and people wanted you there. It was going to be a _good_ day.

You grabbed a blanket just in case and other essentials like sunscreen and bug repellent, and decided to pick up a pack of water on the way.

Okay sure you were still nervous and overthinking things but… It was better, easier for you to come over prepared with the intention of being helpful than to show up and just... stand there and be useless.

Frisk was such a cool, smart, sweet kid. You looked up to them and couldn’t help but try to live up to their good opinion. Just something about them and their friends made you feel like trying your best even when it was hard.

It was worth it to you to face these small fears. Because they wanted you to, or at least seemed to, and every time you went against your gut instinct and reached out… You’d found someone reaching out back to you.

It was nice.

And _that_ was why today was going to be a good day. Or at least you dared to hope it might be.

* * *

 

Not wanting to be late, you arrived at least an hour early. Because of course you did. **Worry wart.**

You were not the first on the hill though.

What if it was another group setting up? Your stomach knotted with worry as if this was somehow your fault. Looking over the large truck you wondered if maybe you should go, comeback when everyone else arrived.  No if it was another group you should find out how large the party was, or at least warn the others. That was your responsibility right?

Internally pouting you got out of your car. Couldn’t you just leave and pretend you hadn’t seen it? Let someone else deal with the stress of interacting with who knows how many strangers?

No. You wanted to do this, even though it was hard for you. What if these people were monster haters or just jerks all together? Some people were like that when they went out to party. Better you face that, being a pathetic looking person of the female persuasion. People were generally nicer to those who were already cowering right?

The idea of someone being hateful towards your friends pushed you around the side of the truck to face…

“Alphys?”  That was her name right? Startled the yellow scaled woman jerked her attention to you, wide eyed. After a few owlish blinks she adjusted her glasses and gave you a small hesitant smile.

"H-hello. Guess uh we're p-p-pretty early huh?" You’d never really spoken to her before, but at the bowling alley she’d seemed a bit more lively around her friends.

This was awkward and it was all your fault. Before your thoughts could spiral you rubbed the back of your neck and responded trying not to be weird. “Yeah. Just wanted to get things set up beforehand you know?"

She nodded adjusting her glasses up higher and gave you a much easier smile. “I know the feeling.” She said quietly.

There was a shared moment, where you both just knew the other was as bad at this as you were. It eased the worry in your chest.

 “Is there anything I can help you with?"

She shook her head. "Oh no. I’ve got this pretty well in hand. Th-thank you though."

Polite niceties out of the way, she returned to messing with her phone and you walked back over to your car. That wasn’t so bad. Or maybe she was just being nice to get you to leave her alone.

Either way, no overt hostilities. You could handle this. You took a deep breath and let it out soothingly.

The sound of your hissing breath lasted long past when you ran out of air.

Turning around looking for the source of the noise, you saw the small carefully watching her truck slowly unfolded and stretch out over the lookout point.

The sound of hydraulics ended when the truck finished forming into a large metal umbrella.

You pulled the stuff you’d brought and set it up underneath one side of the umbrella while Alphys walked around it testing it for stability.

“Did you... Did you build this?” Couldn’t help but ask. Surely you’d have heard if something so…fantastic and unreal was for sale.

Peering over her glasses at you, she answered. “Oh well yes. I have a several degrees but my specialty is robotics. Everything else I just dabble in really.”

This woman was a certified genius. She built a truck that could transform. You were star struck. “Wow that’s amazing!” You wanted to gush, to ask a thousand questions, suddenly conversation seemed possible.

“It’s really not.” She looked uncomfortable, either because she was unused to praise, doubtful, or because you were being weird. Right. Normal people didn’t gush at one another. And she didn’t know you and obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

Suddenly you needed as much space from her as she did from you.

You went over to the fence separating people admiring the view and certain death. Leaning against it, you tried to enjoy the scene and not panic.

It was okay. You hadn’t messed anything up, you’d caught yourself before you made a bigger fool out of yourself than you already had.

Focusing on the worries was only making them worse. You wanted to apologize, pack up, and **leave**.

Instead you stared out looking at the trees, the city below, the sky above...

The sky was always nice. You could pretend you were far away, wrapped up in the safety and escape promised in the clouds.

The sound of car doors thunking shut brought you back down thirty thousand feet and you turned just in time to catch an armful of Frisk.

They grinned happily up at you and you booped their nose. All was suddenly right with the world.

Frisk just had that sort of energy about them.

They grabbed your hand and practically dragged you over to their mother’s sedan, which was packed completely full of covered dishes and blankets.

“Wow. Your mom doesn’t do things by halves does she?” Frisk shook their head eagerly, grabbing a dish and handing it to you before grabbing an armload of blankets and racing over to the truck-umbrella.

You followed at an easier pace and placed the dish where directed by the hyper child. By the time Toriel had finished greeting Alphys the two of you had completely emptied the vehicle.

“Oh you did not have to do that my child.” You shrugged and wrung your hands behind your back wondering if you’d done something wrong… Alphys was avoiding your gaze as hard as you were hers.  

Toriel seemed as calm and kind as always so you just shrugged. “Least I could do. I mean since you and the little boss here invited me.”

Maybe it had been a pity invite or something and no one actually wanted you here, and **you weren’t supposed to have shown.**

Frisk tapped your side and then stuck out their tongue before taking off. Right. You were being stupid again. The kid wanted you here. You’d could do this. Make it a _good_ day out with them.

“Um. Excuse me please.” And you took off running after them heedless of your nice clothes. Small talk with people you didn't know all that well or tag with an awesome kid? Wasn’t even a competition.

Your longer legs meant you caught up faster but Frisk was good about slipping around obstacles to keep you out of arms reach.

A red convertible pulled up and instead of chasing after Frisk, who dodged around it, you touched the shoulder of the driver and yelled, ‘You’re it!’ before racing back in the direction you came.

The tall skeleton’s voice was loud as ever, and chased you the way he didn’t.  “Why off course I'm ‘it’ human. I am quite great.”

Undyne hopped out of the back seat. “Papyrus you nerd, you’re –” She cut off with a surprised squawk as he slapped a hand onto her shoulder and began running away.

“Nyeh heh heh and one of the things I’m great at is tag!” Laughing from behind the umbrella where you were ‘hiding’ with Frisk, you couldn’t believe he’d been so sneaky.

Frisk signed something and took off, causing one yellow eye to fixate on you.“Oh yeah?!? Bring it punk!” No idea what the kid said but you took off running.

* * *

 

The game stretched on for a bit, before Toriel called everyone over for lunch. Frisk grabbed your hand and led you over to their mom, before releasing you to present their hands.

They nudged you with their elbow and you followed suit, hands out palms up. Toriel had a package of wet wipes and dutifully cleaned both your hands before letting you grab a plate and serve yourselves.

Unsurprisingly Sans was already splayed out on the blankets napping. Frisk sat beside him and used his belly as a table. You sat on his other side doing the same, sharing a conspiring glance with Frisk as he softly snored on.

Undyne plopped heavily next to Alphys, draping and arm around her and cuddling. Papyrus returned from his car with a huge bowel of pasta salad and began discussing the recipe with Toriel.

This was nice.

Homey. Very much a family get – together. No one was focusing on you, and you almost felt like you belonged.

Almost…

A tug on your arm jerked you sideways and down, and you let out a strangled yelp.

You struggle for a moment but Sans’ arm around your shoulders keeps you pinned pretty well to his side.

Sure he was still snoring, but it was pretty obvious now he was awake. Flailing you cried out, “Avenge me Frisk!”

Giggling answered you, followed what looked like a flurry of signing above the two of you. The angle was all wrong to be able to tell what the kid was spelling out. However you didn’t have to wait long for translation as Undyne and Alphys, followed by an excited Papyrus started singing along.

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Sans’ boney grip on you loosed and you sat up quickly, diving around him to get at Frisk who ran away to hide behind Toriel. They peeked out only to waggle their eyebrows at you.

You stuck your tongue out at them in return. “Oh fine, be that way! But trouble makers don’t get dessert!”

Everyone laughed, and teased one another and the subject moved on but… You were still kind of embarrassed.

Overall the picnic was a success, and with such a rambunctious group it was easy for you to fade back out of everything.

Though you did avoid looking at Sans.

Even when he and Toriel started trading puns back and forth at such a rate that sent everyone else packing up quickly.

Umbrella collapsed back into a truck, and everything picked up until it looked exactly how it had when you all arrived, it was time for you to slip away. Goodbyes always awkward for you, better to just avoid saying anything and hope that no one was offended by your abrupt departure.

Besides, you were heading straight to work. If anyone mentioned it later, you could say you were running late.

Easy escape, easy understandable lie… There was only one obstacle.

Sans was standing between you and your car. “mind if i catch a ride?”

“Sure.” He practically lived at the bar as far as you’d seen, and you were going there anyways. The earlier embarrassment had faded some because after all it was just harmless teasing, that _he_ had obviously moved past and forgotten. You could do that too. Everything didn't have to be weird.

Having a passenger meant you couldn’t blast the music, so you quieted it to just a murmur. Turning it off might be more polite but the idea of being stuck in a car with someone and nothing but silence between you was _awful_. Better to have background noise just in case.

Driving gave you a wonderful excuse not to look at Sans. You were over analyzing everything but how could you not? He was your friend and he kept seeing the worst bits of you and sticking around anyways.

You kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Despite the chatter of the radio the quite in the car didn’t feel easy at all, though that was probably just you working yourself up over nothing.

Casting your mind about you tried to think of a topic.

Honestly small talk was the bane of your existence. Like you hadn’t just spent the day hanging out with a bunch of people and had run out of things to say ages ago. But not saying anything at all would be worse right?

How about eye spy instead? Or the license plate game… right.

Adult friend.

How do you adult again?

“Buddy you okay?” His rumbling voice blended in with the road noise, but snapped you out of your nervous thoughts.

You risked a glance at him before returning your eyes to the road. “Yeah. Sorry. Spaced out.” The practiced lie rolled off your tongue easily. He hadn’t looked worried or upset. Kind of amused actually. While his smile could and probably did hide any number of things, you’d like to think you had a pretty good handle on reading him by now.

“Heh you do that a lot. No wonder though. You’re out of this world.”

Sans and his jokes. He was acting normal though, which allowed you to relax your strained grip on the steering wheel. “I’m ignoring you.”

“s’fine. you’re also smiling.”

The silence shared between you two was easier after that.

“Here we are,” You said, unbuckling. His hand on your shoulder stopped you.

His usual grin seemed less sure, and he actually looked pretty serious grabbing your full attention. “hey. need your advice about something really quick, if you don’t mind.”

The clock on the dash said you had some time to kill so you nodded. “i want to ask this cute human girl out but i don’t know how to go about it.”

“Oh? Why not?” Sans’ didn’t know how to ask out a girl? For some reason you’d figured he’d be good at the dating game, whisking people away with his wit and charm.

 “well she’s shy. been trying to let her know how i feel, but she seems to miss my hints and when i’m more direct...she bolts.” He let out a sigh and gestured vaguely. “we’re still good friends, just want to see about maybe trying for something more you know?”

This sounded serious. You tried to think of what to suggest, though dating wasn’t really your thing. Then again, you were both human and a girl so it wasn’t a surprise he’d ask for your insight.

“If she’s nervous, it might be a trust thing. May not have anything to do with you at all, but until she’s completely comfortable with you she may not be ready to face the idea of anything more.” There were a lot of things to be worried about dating; you could name a dozen without trying.

Sans’ shifted closer, resting his elbows on the center console. “does that mean i should drop it entirely until then?”

You thought about it and then shook your head. “I don’t think so. I mean. She still hangs out with you after you flirt with her or whatever right? So it’s probably just…”

Trailing off as you tried to puzzle out the best course for him to take with this girl, you really stopped and  _looked_ at Sans. He was watching you with a half-smile, eyes lidded, and head propped in his hand.

It was an awfully tender expression, soft, and despite the fact he was looking right at you, you were pretty sure he wasn’t listening.

A suspicion began to form. Did he mean… No, he couldn’t. Could he? That’d just be **stupid.**

“Sans?”

He reached up and grabbed your chin.

Oh.

Your heart skipped a beat.

Your throat went dry.

He leaned in closer.

_Oh._

Your face flamed and your heart sunk like a lead weight. So this is what having butterflies in your stomach felt like.

Like fear.

The fear that came from being at the top of a roller coaster just before the drop off. Hovering on the edge of zero to light speed.

Time froze just for a second, your eyes trapped in his, his breath touching your lips, and you jerked away as if stung, heart pounding in your ears.

**Oh.**

You fled, out of the car, across the parking lot, past the bar, into the kitchen.

Pressing your hand to your chest you tried and failed to calm yourself down. You moved your hands to your cheeks, feeling your too hot face, and tried to take deep breaths but you couldn’t seem to calm down.

It was an adrenaline rush.

He had almost - _you_ had almost -

Sans liked you.

That was insane right?

A giggle escaped you, slightly hysterical.

Had he seen the mess you were? Why would someone like him want someone like you?

The image of his face _right there,_ glowing eyes holding yours captive caused you to blush deeper. You shook your head trying to both escape it and understand it.

He _liked_ you. He tried to kiss you!

All those little signs, hints… how had you been so oblivious?

Was this good? Was this bad?

You had no idea what to do, how to deal.

He liked you! You were ecstatic… You were **freaking out**.

You had literally run away from him.

Oh hell. Regardless of how you felt that was bad right?

You dug your phone out of your pocket and saw a message from him.

[you okay pal?]

Ok? What do you say? what do you _say_? you didn’t even know what to **think**.

[Yeah I’m fine, totally fine. Just uh work you know.]

Maybe if you pretended nothing happened… there was no pretending. How could you possibly face him ever again?

This rush of emotions felt familiar, more intense, your heart thudding painfully inside of you at the thought of facing Sans… oh no you liked him back. How did you handle that?

[rain check then?]

The hell were you supposed to say to that???

Later for the conversation? For the – you swallowed hard – almost kiss? You couldn’t say just not say anything. No matter what he was your friend right?

[Sure. Rain check.]

Maybe you could buy yourself time to deal with this. Figure out what you were feeling.

If you liked him – why had you been so scared? Why had you run? At some point would he give up? Realize you weren’t worth it if you were just going to keep pushing him away?

… maybe. But … you _wanted_ to give this a shot. How you would go about it you didn’t know… but you… you actually wanted to try.

You were terrified and –

[it’s a date ;)]

 – it was _wonderful_.


End file.
